The Connection between Abandonment and Addiction

Substance use can lead to anxiety and depression

Matthew Perry was a well known comedic actor, famous for his role in the television show FRIENDS and movies such as The Whole 9 Yards and Fools Rush In. He left a profound impact on the entertainment industry. The final impression he left on the world was his memoir about addiction to drugs and alcohol that followed his feelings of abandonment throughout his formative years. I've been listening to Matthew Perry's ebook, Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing--harrowingly narrated by himself one short year before his death--and it had me thinking about the unprecedented rise in overdose fueled by addiction.

Saskatchewan residents have been witness to extraordinarily high rates of addiction and overdose. Because it can be so scary to witness, it can be easy to judge when a person is seen using, or worse, overdosing. This blog post is aimed at providing readers with an understanding of some of the causes of addiction and to provide readers with a guide for navigating such heavy times.

The Connection Between Abandonment and Addiction

Abandonment is a profound emotional experience that can leave lasting scars on an individual's self-esteem, self-worth and sense of belonging. The feelings of sadness, loneliness, and fearfulness that often accompany abandonment can lead to various maladaptive coping mechanisms, one of which may be addiction. Understanding the connection between these two issues is crucial for both prevention and recovery.

Understanding Abandonment

Abandonment can take many forms, including:

• Physical abandonment, such as being left by a caregiver or loved one.

• Emotional abandonment, where an individual is neglected or unsupported.

• Social abandonment, characterized by isolation or exclusion from social groups.

Each of these forms can lead to deep-seated feelings of insecurity and self-doubt, which can significantly impact an individual's mental health.

The Impact of Abandonment on Mental Health

The emotional toll of abandonment can manifest in various mental health issues, including:

• Anxiety disorders

• Depression

• Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

• Low self-esteem

These conditions can create a cycle of pain, making individuals more susceptible to seeking relief through unhealthy means, such as substance abuse.

How Addiction Develops as a Coping Mechanism

For many, addiction becomes a way to numb the emotional pain associated with feelings of abandonment. The following points illustrate this connection:

• Escapism: Substances can provide a temporary escape from the overwhelming feelings of loneliness and rejection.

• Self-medication: Individuals may turn to drugs or alcohol to cope with anxiety and depression stemming from their abandonment experiences.

• Desire for Connection: Some may use substances in social settings to alleviate feelings of isolation, which can lead to addiction.

The Cycle of Abandonment and Addiction

The relationship between abandonment and addiction can create a vicious cycle. Addiction can lead to behaviors that further alienate individuals from their support systems, exacerbating feelings of abandonment. This cycle can include:

• Withdrawal from relationships due to substance use.

• Increased feelings of shame and guilt, leading to further isolation.

• Neglect of responsibilities, resulting in lost relationships and social support.

Importance of Secure Attachment

Secure attachment plays a vital role in emotional health. Individuals who experience secure attachment to their caregivers in their formative years are more likely to develop healthy relationships and effective coping strategies. In his book, The Myth of Normal (2022), Dr. Gabor Mate describes attachment as the facilitator of caregiving and is not only mandatory for survival among human infants but also informs all our significant relationship into adulthood (p. 105-106). Authenticity is described as the other core need that is rooted in survival and it means to honour oneself, to be true to oneself. These two ideas are intrinsically related because secure attachment relies on the caregiver accepting who the care receiver authentically is (107). Conversely, those who face abandonment or disapproval may struggle with insecure attachment styles, leading to difficulties in emotional regulation and an increased risk of mental illness such as anxiety and depression as well as addiction.

Emotional Regulation vs. Nervous System Regulation

Understanding the difference between emotional regulation and nervous system regulation is essential in addressing the issues of abandonment and addiction:

• Emotional Regulation: This refers to an individual's ability to manage and respond to their emotional experiences in a healthy way. It involves recognizing emotions, understanding their triggers, and employing strategies to cope with them effectively. Not surprisingly, our attachment style plays a large role in how we recognize emotions and cope with them effectively. Secure attachment with caregivers not only provides us with a sense of belonging, but we actually learn "soft skills" like attentiveness, compassion, empathy, responsiveness from the way that our mothers and fathers relate to us. This provides us with the template for how to care for and anticipate the needs of others. When we have historically lacked such treatment, our experiences of comfort informs how we "Self-soothe" and how we develop relationships with others.

• Nervous System Regulation: This pertains to the body's physiological response to stress and emotional stimuli. It involves the autonomic nervous system's ability to return to a state of calm after experiencing stress. Techniques for nervous system regulation may include breathing exercises, grounding techniques, and physical activities. Our body's nervous system activates one of the five stress responses--fight, flight, freeze, fawn and flop--that allow our body's to identify and respond to a threat. Once the threat has passed, it takes approximately 20-30 minutes for our nervous systems to regulate. When we are angry and elevated, our prefrontal cortex is disabled, meaning that emotional regulation cannot take place until our nervous systems have had a chance to calm down.

Breaking the Cycle

Recognizing the connection between abandonment and addiction is the first step towards healing. Here are some strategies that can help break this cycle:

• Therapy: Engaging in individual or group therapy can help individuals process feelings of associated with having been abandoned and develop healthier coping mechanisms. Accessing a counsellor that uses approaches like Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Dialectical Behaviour Therapy, Solutions Focused/Strengths-based Therapy or someone that even has lived experiences will support and value you, which helps facilitate a sense of belonging and self-worth.

• Support Groups: Connecting with others who have similar experiences can foster a sense of belonging and understanding. Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous groups are available to those who are grappling with substances. In these programs you will have access to a sponsor who can support you through the steps...each step of the way. In addition, there are groups like Al-Anon and Codependents Anonymous which also adopt the same 12 steps but offer support to those whose loved ones struggle with substance and who desire belonging and strong, healthy relationships. You will also have access to a sponsor to guide you.

• Mindfulness and Self-Care: Practices such as meditation, yoga, and journaling can help individuals reconnect with themselves and their emotions. If you struggle with addiction, you may find it valuable to engage in hobbies that support regulating your nervous system such as needlework, baking, cooking, or gardening. A methodic activity that requires you to redirect and focus your attention on the task at hand has a profound effect on

Conclusion

The connection between abandonment and addiction is a complex and often painful one. By understanding this relationship, individuals can take proactive steps toward healing. Through therapy, support, and self-care, it is possible to break free from the cycle of pain and develop a healthier, more fulfilling life. Recognizing the impact of abandonment on attachment style and how it informs the development of coping skills, relationships and our sense of belonging is crucial in the journey toward recovery, and healing is always within reach.